Let’s talk about the Menendez Brothers: The imperfect family

If you knew me, you would know how much I love crime documentaries. It just fascinates me how complex people are and it is to solve crimes.

And I believe in the adage that “‘no one was born a criminal, a criminal is made”

Heard of the Menendez brother’s story yet?

I just recently finished the series and documentary.

Quite captivating and sad too.

You can’t talk about the Menendez brothers without mentioning their parents, especially the father, Jose Menendez who played a big role in their lives from their childhood up to their adolescent age.

I don’t intend to tell the full story but to share my understanding and view of the story. My key word is love cause it was a lack of it that brought disorder, regardless of anything else.

We all know the basic general overview. Two boys killed their parents with shotguns in their own home while they were asleep in 1989.

What follows next is ”why?’

Was it for money?

Well, knowing the story, we can probably agree that it wasn’t.

They argued that it wasn’t. They were afraid.

During the first trial three years after their arrest, the defense attorney defended them, backing their actions with “imperfect physical defense” which she described as a defense ‘when somebody has an honest and in good faith belief that they are in danger and they defend themselves, they cannot be convicted of nothing more than manslaughter’.

Everything about the Menendez family was imperfect.

Jose Menendez wasn’t perfect but had a perfect view of who he wanted his sons to be.

People who testified had a lot to say about who he was when he lived.

Those who know the story have their opinions

And so do I.

I do believe that even though Jose menendez was such a flawed person, to his wife, his kids, and everyone around him, he had his own silent struggles that were never resolved yet he strived to be perfect. He wanted the best out of life in his career, and in his family.

Taking a glimpse into his childhood, Jose Menendez’s parents too were of high status in Cuba but they lost everything during the Cuban revolution. Literally everything. Only heaven knows how hard that must have been for him and his family.

Now, young Jose has to hustle and get the money he believes he deserves. He moved to the United States at 16. Met his wife, Kitty, and in less than 6 months, he was a married man at 19 years of age. He was determined to succeed, demanding excellence of himself and he got it. The American dream. He was a successful business executive.

Such a goal-getter that he was.

He did suffer sexual abuse as a child from his mother who was similarly, abused by her uncle too.

Consequently, Lyle and Erik experienced it too. It was a cycle. And in their lives, they were in for much more. It wasn’t only the case of sexual abuse, but of child abuse, emotional and physical abuse in the name of toughening up to be strong, as well as holding the boys to unattainable excellence. They were his trophy boys.

According to psychologist Suniya Luther, teenagers of high socioeconomic status reported significantly higher levels of anxiety and depression than middle and lower-class counterparts. This is due to unrelenting pressures to excel and isolation from parents both literally and emotionally.

He was a sociopath and even as terrible as that was, I think he did love his family and tried to do right in his own way and he did that by providing; giving his kids a wealthy lifestyle, guiding their path to the way he believed was best suited for them and for his name; Menendez.

Nothing else mattered to him but himself. His name, his image, his legacy. The times they ever relocated, it was either cause he had a new job or his sons had embarrassed him and he couldn’t show his face.

No questions asked. Whatever he said, goes.

You know how normally when you are relocating or having a thought of it, it’s always an emotional process cause you have bonded to the place in some way, made friends, and you feel comfortable and at home? But surely change happens and we have to adapt.

This case was different. It was abrupt and even as little as it may come across, it happened a couple of times. And that change came with new changes too.

The wife, Kitty was affected the most, being socially withdrawn, and couldn’t get a job cause Jose wouldn’t let it as he was the head of the family.

With time, she developed chronic depression and anxiety and Jose started having his little sexual affairs. I mean, a string of mistresses. To top it off, her sons weren’t doing so great with their cases of burglaries, Lyle’s recklessness and overall failure. She wasn’t her best self anymore.

How messy that is.

Lyle and Erik believed his dad loved them regardless. Erik said in the documentary interview that his father believed that love needed to be earned. You had to be worthy to be loved by him. And often time that meant going through pain”

Can you imagine? The person who brought you to the world and is expected to love and cherish you by default expects you to earn that love.

That simply implies I can only love you when you’re strong and I know you are strong when you don’t complain.

He once told Lyle that when he (Lyle) complained when Jose hit him, he thought he didn’t hit him hard enough, the way his father hit him making his head throb for days and days but he knew what exactly was expected of him. Then he went ahead to apologize for not hitting him hard enough as a father who loves him.

Erik also described his relationship with his dad as brutal, painful, and torturous, and yet he thought he was the most powerful and brilliant person he had ever met.

Not to talk of the mum who was now becoming a shadow of herself. She hated her sons and referred to them as “earthquakes” She believed they, especially Lyle destroyed her marriage and wished they were never born. That’s how much she was attached to Jose. He was her world but yet the dieting and facelift she did to look better for him despite his infidelity didn’t do much, did it?

To me, the essence of Menendez’s brother’s story is a story of recycled trauma.

Of unresolved trauma.

Of becoming.

Of how important it is to love yourself unlike Kitty.

Of how we should be more loving and not to always rely on your own capacity unlike Jose. (Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.. Proverbs 19:21)

Of how we should not be impulsive unlike the Brothers

Of how we should be more prudent and humble unlike Lyle.

Of how we should be more compassionate unlike the Jury.

Of how important it is to embrace God in our lives. (The lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.. Proverbs 34:18)

When I hear stories like this, i think it’s important to trace them to the roots, cause that’s truly the origin of the story.

The why behind the killing was they feared for their lives from their controlling father who had been sexually abusing them. Lyle for 2 years when he was 6 up till he was 8. He continued with Erik for 12 years. 12 good years!

And it only stopped after “The confession” to Lyle about it cause he was distraught that their father wouldn’t let him leave home for school. Jose wanted him to do business at UCLA and that meant he would still be living under the same roof with his dad.

Next was “The Confrontation” which really set the tone for everything else that followed five days later. Jose’s response was “You’re gonna tell everyone and I’m not gonna let that happen” And to them that only meant their death cause, frankly speaking, it wasn’t the first time they were threatened by their dad of being killed. 

So it was more like fuck around and find out.

And all this while, this was the only time they took it very seriously cause they wanted so bad to fuck around but they feared what would happen. Or more so, they believed Jose could kill them. And there was so much build up of intense emotions especially for Lyle. Having the new knowledge that his only sibling had been going through hell right under his nose and he never protected him. And Erik reflecting on it all plus his dad’s threat.

So maybe they should have F around and had their defense on hold still but they didn’t. And we’d never know how that would have turned out.

They took another resort. An imperfect physical defense.

The next valid question to be asked is, Why would one’s parent even make them have such fear and insecurity?

Well, I guess you have an idea now.

The ironic part of it all was that, while in jail, Lyle was still trying his best to live up to his dad’s expectations. They always craved his approval even after death knowing they never once got it and never will. They still worked for it, probably hoping their dad would smile at them in spirit.

That’s completely wild.

They were convicted of first-degree murder in the second trial. Not manslaughter as intended. The second trial was hell by the way. Manslaughter wasn’t ever an option. It was either death or life in prison without parole.

The first trial was declared a mistrial because the Jury weren’t conclusive. The men from the jury were opting for first-degree murder and the women chose Manslaughter. The reason behind the men opting for murder was they couldn’t believe the boys were sexually abused. I mean, all i can say is thank God for better awareness and knowledge. Cause surely, if they were the Menendez girls, it would have be a completely different case.

Just like that, 35 years have passed by, out of a whole life in Jail.

I find it extremely sad and disturbing and thankfully, the latest update brings hope.

The new evidence discovered last year was a letter written by Erik to his cousin in December 1988, about eight months before the crime about him narrating his ordeal.

I really just hope that when the case is reevaluated, they will be freed as soon as possible.

35 years is over-time and they deserve to be free and properly heal.

They were a victim of their own circumstance.

It’s not only what we inherit from our parents but also how they were parented and our individual struggles that influences how we relate to ourselves, our partners and how we nurture our children.

God is love and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgement, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.

1 John 4:16