A part of me

I have so many parts and layers to me.

Good, bad, ugly layers.

Some, my families get to see and experience,

Some for friends,

Some for me.

And you know, not all these parts are shared.

Friends don’t see what families see and families don’t see what I see.

Did I forget lovers too? They see what no one else sees.

You know what the ugly side of sharing a part of you is?

Having it taken and gone by the person you shared it with. Forever.

Now, all that is left is a void.

We all go through it. It can be losing a friend, a partner, a loved one, or even a job.

Something that had a place in your heart.

I’ve lost some people. Ironically, the ones that hurt the most weren’t through death.

I want to be cliche and say that life happened but I’m not so sure about it. In fact, I’m not certain about several things to be quite honest. Like how swiftly things can change, or how you can’t always have control over who gets a part of you cause you don’t have control over some parts of you. 

I guess this is a point where I use my latest phrase “It is what it is”

I came to understand that I wasn’t fully aware of my delicate parts or better put, I wasn’t very self-aware.

It did take a while though to get a level of awareness where I knew my inner self, the little bits and pieces that made me.

Went through phases; from being expectant of disappointment to wondering if the problem was me. Am I the problem?

Well, I don’t believe I am completely.

I believe I had to learn some lessons one way or another most especially of myself and it only just cost a part of me that was shared. A part of me that only now holds the memories, laughter, joy..the good, bad, and ugly. With time they fade away but not all do fade and that’s fine. That’s life.

Like a scar, it stays.

Sometimes, you look at it and nothing comes to mind.

Sometimes, a lot comes to mind.

Other times, you find yourself admiring and acknowledging how well it has come to fit your skin but you never dwell on it.

It has become a part of you.

And you know what the good side of sharing a part of you is? It feels like freedom. Like home. You know too that not everyone can have a part of you except you permit them to. You recognize and embrace every part of yourself more as well.

Now, I’m not just seeing myself through my lens alone but through God’s lens knowing that all my parts are loved and he’d never stop loving me.

I’m aware of how imperfect I am and I know as much as I’m cautious about parts of me to share, there are parts of others that are shared with me that I have to be cautious with as well.

For the most part, I am able to control my actions but not others so with that knowledge, I’m learning to lean more towards being more open yet guarded, fun-loving yet in my lane, and more in the present yet not fully absorbed in it.

And whatever happens, I have confidence that I will be good knowing i have God.