I didn’t expect this version of myself. Not in my final year. Not this close to the end. I always thought that at this point, I would feel more confident… more ready… more sure of myself.
But that’s not how I feel.
It’s not that I’m not excited about becoming a doctor. It’s not that I don’t want it. I honestly do or at least, I believe I do. But at the same time, I feel like I’m not ready. Like my knowledge is not where it’s supposed to be. And that alone stresses me. I want to actually feel like, yes, I worked for this, I understand what I’m doing, I can handle my patients. And right now… I don’t feel like that.
The Part That’s Confusing Me
There was a time I could sit down and study for hours, push through exhaustion, and still feel like I was moving forward. I did it for major exams—internal medicine, surgery. I showed up, I put in the work, and I passed. Now, I sit with my books and feel resistance. Not because I don’t want to succeed, but because something in me feels… stuck. I can go a whole day doing almost nothing. And the strange part is, I’m aware of it. I feel the guilt. I feel the pressure. I remind myself why I started, why I’ve come this far. And still, there are moments where I just can’t push. It just doesn’t make sense
What This Is Doing to My Body
It’s not just in my head. I can actually feel it in my body. My sleep is not exactly bad, but it’s not normal either. I tend to delay sleep a lot. I can stay up for so long, sometimes even using caffeine just to keep myself going. But once I finally sleep, I sleep well, and sometimes even too much. So it’s not that I can’t sleep. It’s more like my sleep pattern is off. I stay awake longer than I should, then I crash. Even with that, my days still feel slow. Heavy. There are days I don’t feel motivated at all. Like, it’s actually hard to push myself to start anything. Things that used to feel normal now feel like they require extra effort. And mentally, I just feel tired in a different way. Not just sleepy, but like my brain is not as sharp as I need it to be.
The Deeper Part I Don’t Always Say Out Loud
If I’m being very honest, I think part of this is not just about the exams. I think it’s also about what comes after. Because once I pass all of this… that’s it. I’m a doctor. And that’s a lot. Graduation isn’t just an ending—it’s a shift. A responsibility. A title I don’t take lightly. I don’t want to just be a doctor. I want to feel like one. I want to trust my knowledge, stand confidently in what I know, and feel like I earned my place fully. And right now, I’m not sure I feel that way.
What I Think Is Actually Happening
If I try to look at it properly, this doesn’t feel like laziness. It feels like I’m overwhelmed. Like everything has just built up over time—years of studying, pressure, expectations, and now being at the final stage where everything matters even more. And maybe this is just how it’s showing. Is this what people refer to as Imposter Syndrome?
Where I Am Right Now
I’m not writing this as someone who has figured everything out. I’m still in it. I’m still trying to understand why I feel this way, why I’m acting this way, and how to get back to myself. But one thing I know is this; I didn’t get here by mistake. Even if I don’t feel confident right now, it doesn’t mean I don’t have the capacity. It just means something is off at this moment.
Final Thoughts
Exam stress is not just about reading and passing. Sometimes, it’s deeper than that. It’s about pressure. Expectations. Fear of what comes next. Wanting to feel like you truly deserve where you’re going. And sometimes, it shows up in ways you don’t expect; like doing less when you feel like you should be doing more. For now, I’m just trying to take it one day at a time, and not ignore what I’m feeling while I move through it.
ELLA SOFTLY 