This piece isn’t about leaving home; its about learning how to live when home no longer feels the same.
Yesterday I was in tears thinking about home.
I miss home but it’s not the same.
All my times here in Europe has been such adjustment. For the most part.
Coming from a protective home and finding myself here in my late teen years meant adapating to new culture, environment, weather, new friendships, university life.
And when I had found stability and I was in a secured and happy state, life had other plans.
The goal quickly shifted.
It wasn’t to study again.
Survival was it.
A new level of adaptation was unlocked due to the Ukraine war.
A vast change that came with the refugee status was endured.
Thinking back on it, it wasn’t just the most horrible experience. It was the loneliest and most scary.
Friends gone, school gone – uncertainity settled in.
And somehow now, I do wish I had joined some of my other mates to travel back home.
Although those who did go home regret taking the decision mostly because they missed out on the opportunity to work and travel around Europe. I feel otherwise..just a bit although I’m glad i experienced working to earn my money and ofcourse, the journey then is partly the reason i am here now.
Six years away from home hasn’t been easy though.
A lot has happened.
Things are vastly changing.
Currently in my final year and as time would have it, it’s the time to plan ahead.
What next? This has become one of the popular phrases I hear now aside from the hype of my name called with Dr attached to it which still feels kinda surreal, anyways.
I want to go home.
But home isn’t the same
I’ve lost some amazing relatives. Relatives that made childhood easy and unforgettable. I can’t think of childhood without thinking of them. I miss my childhood more so now just cause memories is all I have.
Christmas is never gonna be the same.
Holidays won’t be the same.
Not to talk of the country’s own wahala.
As much as I have missed so much and I have to take charge of now so I don’t miss so much more at home, I do long for comfort.
Perhaps that’s what I truly miss the most.
Stability.
But I guess that’s one of the cons of being an adult.
As a child, change happens around you but now, it happens through you and around you.
You feel the impact much more.
Cause responsibilty has seeped its way into your life with consequences and memory attached.
You have grown, you are growing and as much as you are, family is too.
In the end, death follows.
More change.
More adjustments to absences, to more presence.
What an exhausting cycle!
It’s one life, yet plenty.
The realization doesn’t make you feel any better, does it?
It doesn’t for me, that’s for sure.
Still, I can’t help but believe all these leads to fulfilling a purpose. A quiet reminder that to live is christ..
Sorry, not sorry for taking you on a cycle. My emotions are vast too
I’m still becoming, still adjusting, still trusting that all this change and the change yet to come won’t be wasted even if I haven’t figured it all out yet
Author’s Note: This piece was inspired by the recent passing of my granny, whose absence has made the idea of “home” feel even ‘more’ distant.
May her gentle soul rest in the bosom of the Lord. Amen. I love you mama❤️
ELLA SOFTLY 